Five scientific secrets to help you handle a narcissist

Five scientific secrets to help you handle a narcissistFive scientific secrets to help you handle a narcissistYou must be tired of them. Theyre everywhere. Narcissists. And if you think there are mora of them than ever, youre right.Research shows we are experiencing a narcissism epidemic.From The Narcissism Epidemic Living in the Age of EntitlementIn data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present, with the shift especially pronounced for women. The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with scores rising faster in the 2000s than in previous decades.Even music is getting more narcissistic. And what do fruchtwein people on Twitter tweet about? Themselves, of course.(And as for selfies well, do I really need to link toany research about narcissism and selfies? No? Thank you.)Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and mor eNow we all have a littlenarcissism in us and these days we have a lot more than we need around us.Lets learn more about what narcissism is, how to deal with narcissists - and even a bit about what to do if you feel youre becoming one yourself.You have entered the selfie-free zone. Lets get to itWhats The Deal With Narcissism?As Twenge and Campbell explain inThe Narcissism Epidemic,its a myth that narcissism is just high self-esteem or that underneath it all narcissists are insecure and overcompensating.Narcissists believe they really are that awesome - and youre not.(The latter parte doesnt matter, narcissists dont think about you much at all, frankly.)How can you tell if someone is a narcissist? Its easy just ask them. Research shows narcissists feel so good about themselves they dont mind admitting it.And narcissism can be quite beneficial in the short term. They make fantastic first impressions.In job interviews and onfirst dates, narcissists get results. And in youth, being a narcissist makes you happier.Narcissists are more likely to become leaders and narcissists who obsessively work hard are more likely to get promoted.But thestuff that works for them so well in the short term proves lethal in the long term.That job interview is great but UPenn prof Scott Barry Kaufmanexplains that after three weeks people regard narcissists as untrustworthy.And narcissists might becomeleaders but theyre not good ones.And when prestige isnt on the line, most narcissists dont work that hard.From The Narcissism Epidemic Living in the Age of Entitlementcollege students with inflated views of themselves (who think they are better than they actually are) make poorer grades the longer they are in college. They are also more likely to drop out. In another study, students who flunked an introductory psychology course had by far the highest narcissism scores, and those who made As had the lowest.Awesome first date? Yeah, but relationship satisfaction with themshows a big decl ine after 4 months.As adults, narcissists arent happy. And if youre around them, you wont be either.From The Narcissism Epidemic Living in the Age of EntitlementA recent psychiatric study found that the biggest consequences of narcissism- especially when other psychiatric symptoms were held constant- was suffering by people close to them.(To learn the four rituals neuroscience research says will make you happy, click here.)So how do you deal with them? Here are 5 strategies from scientific research1) The Quick Answer DontIm going to get grief for this being the first solution but itis by far the best answerand one that we should all take to heart more often.Narcissists lack empathy, they usually dontwork hard, and in a few weeks to a few months they make the people around them miserable. And narcissism is very hard to change. So, if at all possible, just stay away.Some will say, But Im smarter than they are. I can change them Stop it, now youre being narcissistic.If you dig 80s mo vies you might remember War Games. What did the computer realize about thermonuclear war? The only way to win was not to play.What do rational people scream at the TV when watching haunted house movies? GET OUT NOWWhen theres blood all over the living room, furniture is floating through the air and ghosts are speaking to you in Latin, smart people dont prepare to battle the undead, they get out immediately and make an angry phone callto their realtor.As MIT negotiation professor John Richardson says never start with, How do I make this deal? Start with, Should this deal be made? With narcissists, the answer is usually no. Its notworth it.(To learn how to be happier and more successful without being a narcissist, click here.)Okay, before the internet commenters tear me apart for the obvious answer of Dont deal with narcissists, lets move on.There are plenty of times where we just dont have a choice. You may have a narcissistic boss, co-worker or family member. Luckily, there are answ ers2) Kiss Up Or Shut UpYeah, this isnt a popular answer either. Sorry. But if youre dealing with a narcissist and youre in the less powerful position (like theyre your boss) there may not be a choice. At least not right now.Clinical psychologist Al Bernstein recommends you kiss up to them or at least keep your mouth shut until you can get the heck out of there.ViaAm I The Only Sane One Working Here? 101 Solutions for Surviving Office InsanityThere is no way around this. If you want to communicate effectively with narcissists, you have to admire them, their achievements, and their toys as much as they do. Typically, this wont require any great effort. Theyll be more than happy to come up with reasons to congratulate themselves. All you have to do is listen and look interested.Theres this concept called narcissistic injury. Pointing out a narcissist isnt all they think they are can be like pulling the pin on a grenade. A grenade you have to see every day of your life.Realize that nar cissismis an identity, just like religion or politics. When you argue about it, people dont fold or change their minds - they just hate you. And narcissists are among the most vindictive people youll ever meet.You mightreply, But Im right about them You may very well be. But that only makes the situation worse. Burst their narcissistic bubble and you will pay. Dearly.And if youre in the lower-power position in this relationship, as with an employer, well, youmay have found a way to get away from them along with two weeks severance.Reject them and theyll freak out. Act weak and theyll try to victimize you. Expose them and theyll hate you forever. (Trust me, Ive tested all these personally - and in a single conversation.) Its just not worth it.(To learn how to improve your self-esteem without becoming a narcissist, clickhere.)Alright, heres where the rubber meets the road. If you cant get away from them, and they dont have power over you, how do you deal with a narcissist?3) Know Wh at You Want And Get Payment Up FrontDont expect fairness. Theyre just about themselves, right? Well, okay then.Know what you want. (They will, trust me.)And then get them to pay up front with whatever it is you need before they get what they need.Al Bernstein explainsNever extend credit to, or accept promises from, a narcissist. As soon as they get what they want, they will be on to the next thing, forgetting whatever they said they would do for you.Sometimes they make promises they dont intend to keep, but just as often, they merely forget. Either way, you should keep a ledger in your mind and make sure you get what they dangle in front of you before you give them what they want. With other people, this mercenary approach might seem insulting. Narcissists will respect you for it. Everything in their world is quid pro quo. They will rarely be offended by people looking out for themselves.Dealing with a narcissist regularly is likehaving a pet tiger you always have to be careful that one day hes gonna see you as dinner. But if you dont have a choice, negotiate hard. This is nobody to be win-win with.Always reward behavior, neverwords. They get what they want when they do what you want.Now Ive been very negative toward narcissists (understandably) but theycan be worked with and can even be good employees. Yes, really.Why? Because they want something. They really needto look good. And if you can align your desireswith their desires, you mayfind yourself with an unstoppable achievement machine.From The Narcissism Epidemic Living in the Age of EntitlementOne possibility is to platzdeckchen up a situation where acts of caring and kindness are aligned with admiration and success. In other words, show narcissists that they can get their narcissistic needs met by acting like decent, caring people.Give them a way to be impressive if they do what they are told. This makes them much easier to deal with than lazy people, trust me.Just make sure you get what you want first. (To learnhow to negotiate from the FBIs lead hostage negotiator, click here.)But what if youre not in a position to reward them with what they crave? How can you keep a rampaging narcissist in line?4) Ask Them, What Would People Think?Narcissists dont feel guilt, only shame.Theyre all about appearances, right?If they believesomethingwill hurt their reputation, they will think twice.Al Bernstein explainsIf you are in a position to advise, ask what people would think. Narcissists are not stupid there are just things, like other peoples feelings, that they rarely consider. If you have their ear, dont tell them how people might react instead, ask probing questions. Narcissists are much more likely to act on ideas that they think they thought up themselves.Emphasize community and use disappointment, rather than anger, to keep them in line.They want to look good. So help them look good by helping them do good.(To learn an FBI behavior experts secrets for how to get people to like you, cli ck here.)This piece is about how to deal with narcissists well, what if the narcissist is you? Its an epidemic, remember? And if youre not a narcissist, you might be infected. As the studies show, plenty of others have been recently.So how do you avoid becoming a narcissist - or stop being one?5) Be DexterWe all have some narcissism in us. Its natural.And narcissism may work for you now but, as we saw, the odds are very very much against it bringing you success, good relationships and happiness in the long term.So how do you stop being a narcissist or make sure you dont become one? You need to make sure you maintain empathy for others.Stop trying to stand out, get attention and be so darn special. Al Bernstein saysNarcissists will be further damaged by just about any situation in which they are treated as different from ordinary people.Its okay to be ordinary. (And ifthat concept terrifies you, you are already on the narcissistic side of things, so read this piece on empathy now.)P roblem is, overcoming narcissism is hard and takes a long time. And if youre a hard-working narcissist, it may be bringing you enough rewards in the short term to feel like its a good idea for the long term.What do you do then? Redirect your narcissism.I offer you a new role model Dexter. Yes, the serial killer who kills serial killers. (I know, Dexter is a psychopath not a narcissist but, jeez, work with me here, okay?)Dexter has a problem - a serious problem, no doubt - but he tries to be good.Dexter acts ordinary. He strugglesto develop empathy. And he redirects his impulses to do thingsthatbenefit other people.(Thats where the comparison ends. Im not telling you to kill anyone, okay?)This attitude (sans chopping people up) can produce results.From The Narcissism Epidemic Living in the Age of Entitlementif you cant stop feeding the ego, you can align your narcissism with behaviors that help the community.Im sure a lot of narcissists run charities. And they get lauded, praised a nd admired. Im okay with that kind of narcissist.(To learn how to fight your own narcissism, click here.)Okay, lets round this up and get the final secret on how to deal withthe me-me-me peopleSum UpHeres how to deal with a narcissistDont. Think haunted house. Get out of there first chance you can.Kiss Up Or Shut Up. If theyre your boss or they have power over you, fighting makes it worse.Know What You Want And Get Payment Up Front. Dont assume theyll play fair.Ask, What would people think? They want to look good. If they think theyll look bad, theyll behave.Be Dexter. If the dark side of The Force has you, channel your need to look awesome into helping others.In the long run, narcissists almost always lose. We see plenty on TV, but those are the very few that got lucky. And, trust me, theyre not all happy.Stay away if you can,otherwise you will be victimized by them or, even worse, you will become one of them.When I spoke to Stanford professorBob Sutton, he told me his 1 piece of a dvice to students was thisWhen you take a job take a long look at the people youre going to be working with - because the odds are youre going to become like them, they are not going to become like you.Andif you spend more time with good people you will become, um, good-er.Heres Yale professor Nicholas ChristakisWeve shown that altruistic behavior ripples through networks and so does meanness. Networks will magnify whatever they are seeded with. They will magnify Ebola and fascism and unhappiness and violence, but also they will magnify love and altruism and happiness and information.Every chance you get, surround yourself with people who are good to you. And be good to them.Dont fight narcissism. Starve it.Join over 285,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that wi ll double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people